Day 34

It never feels good to know you are not wanted.

There are some moments that, for one reason or another, are burned in our memory.  This is one.

I was driving northwest on Hwy 183 in Austin in my silver Mustang, top down.  It was March. Shawn Mullins’ “Lullaby” came on the radio, and I started bawling like a baby.  I don’t mean just crying.  I mean, tears streaming down my face, toddler heebeejeebees kind of crying.  The kind of deep heart crying that I thought I was going to have to pull over.

Ev-er-y-thing’s gonna be all right, rockabye, rockabye

Ev-er-y-thing’s gonna be all right, rockabye

I had been holding it in for, oh, a few days since Mike had told me the news.  Gerald thought it was time for me to go.

Riverbend was not run like your typical church. It was more like a business, with Gerald as a Pastor/CEO.  It was a really efficient way to get things done, with a board of trustees for accountability.  The ministry was handled by the ministry team, deacons, etc.

So when Gerald made a decision, it usually stuck.

I had been mulling over my options.  (a) Leave before he has a chance to tell me to.  (b) Start looking for another job.  © Stay and make him force me out.  But there on the freeway, God and Shawn Mullins grabbed my heart.  Everything’s gonna be all right.  Rockabye.

I surrendered.  I figured God was bigger than both Gerald and me.  He had put me at Riverbend and He would need to be the one to lead me away.  

So I decided to try to find new ways to minister.  I began writing a daily devotional for the congregation.  At that point in time, daily emails were innovative - hey, what do you know!  And the distribution list quickly jumped to close to a thousand.  I also edited and published a book of comeback stories written by Riverbend members.

I never heard anything negative again from Gerald.  In fact, our relationship deepened, and when I did decide to leave over a year later.  It was on God’s terms.

Rockabye.