Day 29

1995.

I am sure there were some good things that happened during that year.  Probably some pretty great ones, even.  But it was such a dark year for me that I have trouble digging any of them out.

Austin TX had only been my home for about 14 months.  While acquaintances were numerous, close friends were still being developed.  At the time, there were about two couples that held that designation.

Of these two couples… early in the year, one mom walked away from her husband and three young girls.  Four months later, the other husband had a tragic wreck leaving him in the hospital for weeks, followed by a stay at Hazelden, and circumstances that led he and his family away from Austin and Riverbend.

So in a matter of months, my world turned upside down in a swirling tornado of grief and confusion.  I found myself crying at the drop of a hat, no longer interested in things I usually enjoyed, lacking energy, and wanting to sleep all the time.  In other words, extremely depressed.

I shouldn’t have been surprised.  My days and months had  consisted of moments such as:

• Tucking three little girls in bed who simply wanted to know where their mom was, and if daddy would find her that night.
• Holding and rocking a tiny preschooler through a thunderstorm, waiting for her grandparents to arrive at midnight.
• Being so devastated from the news that my cries have no sound, they come from the depths of my core, causing me to double over.
• Working 80 hour weeks, covering for my coworker so he wouldn’t lose his job.
• Trying to figure out who to trust, among those who at one time I had never doubted.

I began therapy.  The verbal and pharmaceutical kind.  I hated admitting a little pill could regulate my emotions.  But it gave me a chance to regain my footing.

It was a dark, difficult year.  But like both good and bad times, thank God it didn’t last.