Day 26

For years, I wondered what might have been.

I was youth minister in a northwest suburb of Dallas, TX.  It was my first summer there.  I invited a close friend of mine to fly in for the weekend and speak to the youth for Sunday morning Bible study. 

He arrived on Saturday morning, in time to join us for a staff retreat that day.  There were only a handful of ministers on staff - about five or six - so spouses were invited.  Or in my case, my friend.  We went to someone’s ranch for the day for a little R&R, food and fellowship, prayer, and exercise (which for me ended up being a quite competitive match of doubles tennis with my friend as my partner). 

After the retreat, he dropped me off at my apartment on the way to his hotel. I went to sleep that night feeling kind of couple-ish.

Which leads to a side note:  my friend of a decade, albeit a long distance one, probably knew me as well as anyone.  We talked frequently.  We wrote letters.  We prayed together.  We had seen one another over the years when possible.  I had harbored a crush, although we each had shared the ups and downs of our own relationships.  I had finally resigned myself to the reality that it was simply not to be.

And now this.

Sunday was great with the youth group, and Monday’s goodbye was, well difficult.  Contrary to our openness, we never talked about anything happening in our hearts that weekend.  Little did I know, leaning on the window of his rental car, that it was really goodbye.  It was the last time I saw him.  

We stayed in touch for about a year, then life circumstances shifted and our relationship changed.  No more calls or letters.  No more visits. All attempts to connected were denied.

I guess I’ll never know exactly why.  I have my guesses.  It took me almost 10 years to let it go. 

Grief comes in all different forms.  Someone doesn't always have to die to lose them...